Past Military Comedy Contests
May 2007 Funniest Military Joke
And the Winner Is ...
Submitted by nr839
Read the winning joke and the other entries below, as well as the poll that members voted in.
Joke 1: Chesty Puller
During a battle an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting with the Marines, called legendary Marine (then Colonel) Chesty Puller to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
Puller asked for another count and got the same answer: "Many, many Chinese!"
"#*#&*!#%!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes, sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole s**tload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"
Submitted by nr839
Joke 2: Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the world do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Submitted by myway
Joke 3: Rules for Dating a Marine's Daughter
Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Submitted by Stallion Driver
Joke 4: Millionaires
Jack and Tom, two of General George Armstrong Custers' top soldiers are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks."
Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two soldiers make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this."
Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy."
Jack says, "I really think you should have a look."
Tom says, "Can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand."
Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look."
Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, "Buddy! We're gonna be f***ing millionaires!"
Submitted by amara
Joke 5: The Colonel's Phone
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, general, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Submitted by miss_my_AF_stud
Funniest Joke Poll
Joke1: Chesty Puller |
 | 24% |  |
Joke 2: Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot |
| 16% | |
Joke 3: Rules for Dating a Marine's Daughter |
| 18% | |
Joke 4: Millionaires |
| 20% | |
Joke 5: The Colonel's Phone |
| 19% | |
| |||
