Past Military Comedy Contests
April 2007 Funniest Military Joke
And the Winner Is ...
Submitted by ginger.
Read the winning joke and the other entries below, as well as the poll that members voted in.
Joke 1: Pearly Gates
A sailor, an airman and a marine all three died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The sailor fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The airman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The marine started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The marine replied," "These are Carols."
Submitted by Stallion Driver.
Joke 2: Hot Meal
An Air Force airman and an Army first sergeant were isolated out in the deserts of Iraq. They had been out there for 10 days. Water was scarce, but food was even more scarce.
One day the airman came upon a decaying stray dog. Hunger over came him, and he devoured it within seconds. He was basking in his fullness when all of a sudden he became violently sick and started blowing chunks. The first sergeant quickly lavished everything up. He then turned to the little airman and said, "I knew if I waited long enough I would get a hot meal. HOOAH! "
Submitted by Speerfactor.
Joke 3: Snoring Dog
A marine has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see of he can help. The vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yea right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her Marine husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
In the morning, the marine wakes up from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God, we took first and second place!"
Submitted by ginger.
Joke 4: Last Request
Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts and a tough, old U.S. Marine sergeant major were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song O Canada one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the a**," said the marine. "
What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**," insisted the marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the a**.
The marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammos, and shot the leader dead. In the confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a** first?"
"What!" replied the marine, "And have you three a******* report that I was the aggressor!!"
Submitted by SlickJarhead.
Joke 5: Wash Your Hands
A Marine private and an Army private went to lunch. They go to the head and after they finish the marine washes his hands. The Army private starts to walk out, and the marine ask him if he is going to wash his hands, to which the Army private says, "No, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Submitted by furrylong.
Funniest Joke Poll
Joke 1: Pearly Gates |
 | 17% |  |
Joke 2: Hot Meal |
| 13% | |
Joke 3: Snoring Dog |
| 30% | |
Joke 4: Last Request |
| 24% | |
Joke 5: Wash Your Hands |
| 14% | |
| |||
