Military Humor
Military Jokes
Pages of military jokes submitted by VAJoe members. Submit a joke with a military theme. If Joe likes your joke, he'll post it here.
Page: 1
« Previous | Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 | Next » |
USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1)
The US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC.
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts" and his conduct while president. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck but form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person crew is completely diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An on board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense - but instead in times of conflict the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops and can be used extensively for social experimentation, and whatever other worthless jobs, the ex-commander-in-chief and his wife can think of.
It is largely rumored that the ship will also be the set for the upcoming season of MTV's "The Real World". The ship was renamed and commissioned USS William J. Clinton when someone realized the USS Blowfish was already taken.
General Characteristics, Clinton Class
Builder: Recycle Hawai'i, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
Power Plant: Solar Cells, one big shaft
Length, overall: 40 feet (1219.2 centimeters)
Flight Deck Width: 30 feet (914.4 centimeters)
Beam: Secret No details (?? centimeters)
Displacement: Approx. 7,000 tons full load
Speed: .5+ knots (1+ miles per hour)
Aircraft: One big one!
Cost: about $1 billion each Italeri - 05533
Submitted by MichaelAGates
Store Sign
Sign in a store window:
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL-QAIDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
Submitted by Revrac66
Zip It
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again she was unable to make the step.
About this time a large Marine gunnery sergeant who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!, I don't even know who you are!"
The gunny smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Submitted by marine_lar0311.
The Chief's Wish
One day 3 (2nd Class, 1st Class & CPO) sailors were walking to the EM club for noon chow. The 2nd class saw something nice and shinny floating in the water next to a pier. He reaches down to retrieve it and it was an Aladdin's Lamp. When the lamp finally dried out a Genie popped and says I grant each one of you 1 wish.
The 2nd class went first and wished "to have no need for money for the rest of my life" Poof the Genie sent him to a deserted island.
The 1st class went next. I wish "to live in Hawaii and be rich for the rest of my life". Poof he sent him to Hawaii with a never ending bank account.
Now it was the chief's turn to wish. He said, "I wish that whatever the first 2 wished for, I want them back on the ship by 1300 hours."
Submitted by Ramrod947
« Previous | Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 | Next » |
