Joke 1: In Iraq Too Long
You know you've been in Iraq too long when ..
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Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive.
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Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive.
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You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still havn't seen the country yet.
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When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus.
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The contractors have more fire power than the Military combat units. (This is true.)
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You take the time to add your lines to this list.
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You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBF (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better.
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When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think, "Still way off, I got another 5 minutes."
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Driving around in SUV's with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you.
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You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds.
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When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times.
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When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away.
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When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf.
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Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up.
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When you actually get excited to get a package that conatins 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap, and a Victoria's Secret Catalog.
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When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailor every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over.
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You memorized every episode from the 4th season of "Sex in the City."
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You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji Mart.
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You see Celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back.
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Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone.
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Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?
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You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad.
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You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in the country.
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You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah.
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You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah.
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You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.
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You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plan home because an Air Force tour is to short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, zoomie, you won't get it.
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You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there.
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You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural.
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You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides.
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The temp. drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket.
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You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.
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When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"
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You call home and your wife says "Hello Bill," (while your name is Sam).
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When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."
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When you can comfortably sahave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.
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When 12 hours is a short work day.
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You go Battle Captains!
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When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheer, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary.
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When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times.
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When you end every phone conversation with "out."
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You never worry about oversleeping because if the mornign call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings).
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You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves.
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You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex.
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You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation.
