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Last week as many of you who read my blog know I began the process of filing for bankruptcy. It has been very healing in so many ways. All of the burdens that I have been living with for nearly two years have begun to lift from my shoulders. It is going to take time but now I have taken action.

In the time that I have gone through the financial stress, I have also been going through emotional stress. Often we lump it all together and don’t know how to separate it in order to handle it properly, I have found if you deal with each individual issue separately, you will be more successful in the end. I have learned to break it down.

When any of us suffer a loss we find ourselves stuck. I have been stuck. Divorce can be very similar to a death. Domestic violence only compounds that feeling. Toss in the financial devastation that comes with any loss, you will find a recipe for disaster.

I became very emotional in my responses to my divorce and financial issues for a very long time. That is normal of course but it won’t get you anywhere. People around you will say they understand but after awhile you are on your own. You become “that poor woman.” I hated that. I needed to get away from that label as I am too strong for that. I had my pity party and now it’s over.

I had bills that I ignored because I had no way to pay them. I didn’t open them for almost two years. That didn’t solve anything. When I did call about them, the companies could care less about what I was going through. I have finally waded through everything. It really represented my emotional distress. My lack of organization was a symptom of my grief and utter loss. I went from a very organized woman to one who couldn’t remember what she had to do from day to day literally overnight. That was very disturbing to me. I had to write notes to myself just to make it through each day.

Now that I have come through it and am tackling the situation, I feel so much better. I still have to get through the whole bankruptcy process but it will be the true closure for me.

Domestic violence seems to be on the rise. It is so easy for me to sit here and tell those of you who read my words to just get out. I know how you are feeling. You love your husband. Many of you have no income. You have children together as well. More often then not you are afraid. You fear him. You fear leaving and not being able to support you and your children. You are so in love that it is impossible to see it for what it is really. It is human nature to be this blind. I can look back now with 20/20 vision and know that from the very beginning I made a bad choice. My only gift that I ever got from him is my son. So to say I wouldn’t do it again would be unfair to my little boy. I wouldn’t have him would I?. We love each other so. So in the end love did conquer all.

My hope is that someone out there who reads my words and sees herself in me will find it in her to get help and get out of a dangerous situation. You are not doing your children any favors by staying. They are suffering right along with you. You are their only voice. They are just kids. Be strong for them. Teach them that abuse in any form is wrong. Your actions will go a long way with them. Children are very smart and resilient

I have some signs of abuse that I have experienced. If you can identify with them then you know that you really are in a bad situation.

1)Does he isolate you from friends?

2)Does he belittle you in front of others? Tells you to shut up?

3)Does he keep you from working and control the money?

4)Does he abuse drugs and alcohol?(not always the case)

5)Does he call you names? Has he ever restrained you? Shoved you? Hit you?

6)Does he blame everyone else for all of his problems?

7)Are you afraid to talk to him about anything especially financial issues?

8)Does he make you feel like a child? Treats you as if you don’t have a brain?

These are just some of the signs that should make you realize things are not as they should be. I will also add that MEN are also abused by WOMEN as well. I am only speaking from my own personal experience.

The bottom line is this…Love should not hurt and if it does then you have to identify the problem and make some serious changes. Take care of yourself and your children.There are agencies out there that will help you. You must go to them. They won’t come to your door checking on you. Be proactive, not reactive. Get your finances in order. Start saving money. Put it to the side for an emergency. Prepare for the worst. If you are in immediate danger call 911. Don’t let your love preclude the fact that your husband tried to hurt you. He will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

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